|
If You are ConcernedIt is common for parents to be concerned about their child's development. Sometimes children develop at different rates from their peers and it is difficult to know what is "normal" development. If you have questions about how your child is growing and developing, please see below for steps you can take for help. At any time you can call 800-794-4067 and be connected to a Help Me Grow Care Coordinator who can provide answers and support.
|
Steps To Take To Help Your Child Learn and Grow
If you are worried about your child’s development, it is important to listen to your instincts and act. Here is what you can do:
- Learn more about child development. Understanding how children learn and grow will help you know what to expect for your child and when to be concerned. Also learn fun activities to help your child grow and develop on track! Click here to go to Child Development.
- Complete a developmental or behavioral screening. Developmental screenings are recommended at regular intervals for all children ages birth to 5 years. Behavioral screenings show you how your child's social-emotional skills are growing. The results let you know how your child is developing and if more help is needed. To learn more, click here.
- Talk to your child’s doctor or teacher for advice and support.
- Call Help Me Grow. Help Me Grow care coordinators will listen to your concerns and provide support, tips and resources. Call 800-794-4067.
- Find local resources. There are many resources available for children who need extra support. Click here for services in the Yuba County Child and Family Resource Directory.
Spotlight on: Discipline and Challenging behaviors
Babies and young children often express what they feel through their behaviors. All children go through times where they behave in ways that are difficult for adults to understand and manage. Below is some information on why your child behaves the way they do, and the tabs at the bottom of the page have some tips for handling a few of the most common challenges. For all ages, the most important thing you can do to help manage difficult behaviors is to be aware of and in control of your own emotions. Research has shown that when parents react to their child’s behaviors harshly or with intense emotion, the child’s own emotions tend to escalate and the situation worsens. Tune into your own emotions and why you feel the way you do, take a few deep breaths, and try to remain calm as you address your child’s difficulties. Young children ages 0-5 have not yet learned how to handle emotions and express them appropriately. As parents, we have the opportunity to teach them safe and effective ways to show their disappointments and other feelings effectively. The best way to teach them is by our own examples!
What's Behind Your Child's Behavior
Sometimes it can be difficult to know how to manage your child's challenging behaviors because it's hard to know why they do what they do. Erik Erikson, a well-known psychologist from the 1950s and 1960s, developed the theory that children and adults learn very specific lessons during certain age intervals that help to shape who they become and how they view the world. These lessons build upon each other as children age, and what a child learns early in life has a strong impact on how and what they learn when they are older. See below for more about what stage your child is in based on their age and how this relates to their behavior. Keep scrolling down the page for tips on managing specific challenging behaviors.
Birth – 18 months: Trust vs Mistrust
During infancy and early toddlerhood, children are uncertain about the world around them and look to the adults in their lives for reassurance and stability. If a child receives consistent, reliable, and loving care, they will develop the basic virtue of hope and trust. This will help them build stronger relationships and feel more secure and grounded later in life, even when circumstances are hard. Children who grow up in inconsistent homes develop the basic sense of fear and mistrust. They may find it difficult to engage in healthy relationships and trust others.
Here are some things you can do to help your child learn hope and trust:
18 Months – 3 years: Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt
As your child becomes more mobile he will also become more independent. Between the ages of 18 months and three years, parents have the unique and amazing opportunity to encourage their children to develop new skills and be confident in their abilities. Those children who are given the opportunity to explore and practice new skills, and encouraged to try new things develop the virtue of will – the determination to succeed. They tend to be more confident, more secure, and better able to adapt to the world. Children who are overly controlled by their parents, frequently told they aren’t good enough, or are not allowed to explore or experiment begin to feel inadequate and insecure. They tend to struggle with self-confidence and feel shame and doubt about their abilities to succeed. Here are some tips to help your child grow to become competent and confident:
3-5 Years: Initiative vs Guilt
During the preschool years, your child’s social development is progressing rapidly. They begin to plan activities, make up games, and interact with others more often. These activities promote initiative and the ability to think and act independently. If a child is allowed to explore those new abilities and encouraged in the chosen activities, he or she will develop the virtue of purpose and will be more likely to feel secure in their ability to lead others and pursue their goals in life. Children who are criticized or discouraged from these activities develop a sense of guilt. They tend to feel like a nuisance and will be less likely to have purpose or direction in life, feeling timid or insecure. Here are some ways you can encourage your child to take initiative and become more independent:
Sometimes it can be difficult to know how to manage your child's challenging behaviors because it's hard to know why they do what they do. Erik Erikson, a well-known psychologist from the 1950s and 1960s, developed the theory that children and adults learn very specific lessons during certain age intervals that help to shape who they become and how they view the world. These lessons build upon each other as children age, and what a child learns early in life has a strong impact on how and what they learn when they are older. See below for more about what stage your child is in based on their age and how this relates to their behavior. Keep scrolling down the page for tips on managing specific challenging behaviors.
Birth – 18 months: Trust vs Mistrust
During infancy and early toddlerhood, children are uncertain about the world around them and look to the adults in their lives for reassurance and stability. If a child receives consistent, reliable, and loving care, they will develop the basic virtue of hope and trust. This will help them build stronger relationships and feel more secure and grounded later in life, even when circumstances are hard. Children who grow up in inconsistent homes develop the basic sense of fear and mistrust. They may find it difficult to engage in healthy relationships and trust others.
Here are some things you can do to help your child learn hope and trust:
- Talk and sing to your baby. Even though he may not understand your words when he is young, he hears your voice and will learn to respond and be comforted by you.
- Listen to your baby’s babbling and talk back to her. Have a “conversation”. Over time, this teaches her that you think she is important and worth listening to.
- Comfort your baby when he cries. Cuddling, singing, talking softly, and meeting his needs consistently will teach him you are there for him and that he is not alone in the world. It will teach him that you are trustworthy.
- If your child cries for more than 3 hours per day, for more than 3 days per week; or if you feel like he cries too much, please speak with your pediatrician!
- Watch and encourage your toddler’s attempt to do new things. Give her help when she needs, but don’t always do things for her. She will learn that you will be there to help her and that she can be confident to explore.
18 Months – 3 years: Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt
As your child becomes more mobile he will also become more independent. Between the ages of 18 months and three years, parents have the unique and amazing opportunity to encourage their children to develop new skills and be confident in their abilities. Those children who are given the opportunity to explore and practice new skills, and encouraged to try new things develop the virtue of will – the determination to succeed. They tend to be more confident, more secure, and better able to adapt to the world. Children who are overly controlled by their parents, frequently told they aren’t good enough, or are not allowed to explore or experiment begin to feel inadequate and insecure. They tend to struggle with self-confidence and feel shame and doubt about their abilities to succeed. Here are some tips to help your child grow to become competent and confident:
- Allow your child to struggle with new tasks. Learning to put on clothes, make your bed, build towers, and so on can be difficult for a child. If he works at it, keeps trying, and eventually succeeds without having an adult step in, the child experiences a strong feeling of accomplishment and learns the value of not giving up.
- Be patient and encouraging. Praise your child enthusiastically when she accomplishes what she worked so hard on! Even if it seems like it should be an easy task, remember that it is new for her and all new skills take practice to master.
- Tell your child, “I know you can do it!” “Way to work hard.” “You did it!!” “I am proud of you!”
- Help your child when they ask for it. Show them how to do the task and talk them through each step.
- Offer your child choices as often as possible. Be sure the choices you offer are acceptable to you, regardless of which he chooses. For example, “Do you want carrots or peas for dinner?” or “Would you like to wear the red or blue shirt?” or “Would you like to hold my hand as we walk to the car or should I carry you?” This will allow your child to practice making decisions and experiencing the results of his choices in a safe environment.
3-5 Years: Initiative vs Guilt
During the preschool years, your child’s social development is progressing rapidly. They begin to plan activities, make up games, and interact with others more often. These activities promote initiative and the ability to think and act independently. If a child is allowed to explore those new abilities and encouraged in the chosen activities, he or she will develop the virtue of purpose and will be more likely to feel secure in their ability to lead others and pursue their goals in life. Children who are criticized or discouraged from these activities develop a sense of guilt. They tend to feel like a nuisance and will be less likely to have purpose or direction in life, feeling timid or insecure. Here are some ways you can encourage your child to take initiative and become more independent:
- Encourage and participate in your child’s play activities, allowing them to take the lead.
- Show them that you enjoy their games, stories, and make believe play.
- Establish and keep a daily routine, allowing your child to do as much for himself as he is able. Knowing what is expected of him and doing it will give him a sense of accomplishment and pride in himself.
- Talk to your child. Ask her about her day: What was the best part? What was the hardest part? Did you learn anything new? Listen to her responses and celebrate her accomplishments.
- Give your child responsibilities. He can clean up his toys, make his bed, or help set the table before dinner. These contributions to the family will help develop a healthy self-esteem.
Challenging Behaviors
Crying is the only way that young babies have to communicate. It normally peaks when your baby is around 6 weeks old then gradually decreases as your baby ages. Sometimes crying is difficult to manage. Below are some tips that may help you calm your child. Keep in mind that not all children respond the same, and it may take some trial and error before you find what works for your baby:
- Think about why your child is crying – is she hungry, bored, overstimulated, needing a clean diaper? Has something about her world recently changed? Teething, sick, hurt? Meeting her need often helps to calm her emotions.
- Swaddle – many babies are comforted when wrapped snugly in a blanket
- Hold your baby close or use a safe baby carrier – being near you as you go about your day can be very soothing
- Use soothing sounds: sing softly, talk gently, hum. Use a fan or white noisemaker, or turn on soft music.
- Try different kinds of movement – some babies like to be rocked or swayed while others prefer bouncing or swinging.
- Offer a pacifier or other safe object to suck on.
- Give your baby a break – some babies become overstimulated by being held or rocked. If nothing else works, try placing her in a crib for 5-10 minutes and allow her the chance to soothe herself.
- Give yourself a break! Caring for a fussy baby can be stressful. When you feel overwhelmed, put your baby in a safe place like the crib and take a few minutes to calm yourself. The calmer you are, the easier it will be to calm your baby.
- Ask for help from trusted friends and family. Take a nap, go for a walk, or find an activity to relax and refresh yourself while your friend or family member cares for the baby.
- If you feel overwhelmed, depressed, or worried that you may hurt your baby or yourself please contact your doctor!
As your child gets older, he begins to develop and express his own desires and will start to search for independence. He also experiences intense emotions that he does not know how to handle. This can all lead to the dreaded tantrum. Tantrums are a normal part of growing up. As a parent, you have the opportunity to teach your child how to handle their emotions in a healthy way. Children between 18 months and 3 years often show an increase in behaviors that are difficult to manage. The frequency and intensity of their tantrums may increase. If you are consistent in your response and do not give in to the tantrums, they will be temporary and your child will grow out of them soon. Below are some tips for handling tantrums:
- Stay in control of your emotions and actions. Your child needs you to be his rock when it seems like he is spiraling out of control. Remember that you cannot control your child’s actions, only your own.
- If your child is in a safe place, let him tantrum. Stop for a moment and think about why he is upset. What is he struggling with? Is he hungry, tired, sick, frustrated, disappointed? How can you help him deal with those issues?
- Acknowledge and label your child’s feelings. Say, “I know you’re angry/frustrated/sad/scared right now because (fill in the blank), but it is not ok to hit/kick/scream/etc”.
- Stop dangerous or harmful behavior. For example, you can gently, but firmly, hold your child’s hands and tell him that hitting is not ok. Use a firm, but not angry tone of voice.
- Remember that your child’s feelings are not necessarily the problem; how he or she acts on those feelings is. Give your child some options for appropriate actions: scream into a pillow, jump up and down, take deep breaths, crumble or tear a piece of scrap paper, or another acceptable activity.
- Do not give your child what they want during a tantrum. Sometimes it seems easier to give your child what he wants when he tantrums, but giving in will only teach him that tantrums work! He gets what he wants, so he will keep doing it. On the other hand, if you are consistent in not giving in, he will eventually learn that it is a waste of time and energy and will develop healthier and calmer ways to express his wants.
- Offering your child a different toy or activity can help distract and calm them.
- Model appropriate behavior. When you are angry or frustrated, how do you react? Do you throw an “adult tantrum”, or are you able to calmly express your feelings? What your child sees is what they will do.
- Talk about your own feelings and your reactions. “I just spilled the milk! I am frustrated, but can use this towel to clean it up and try again!” or “I am angry I can’t find my keys! I will take a deep breath and count to 5 then start looking for them.” This will show your child that emotions are normal and that there are healthy ways to express them.
- Interact with and play with your child. Sometimes children tantrum in an effort to gain some attention from the adults around them. Even negative attention is better than nothing at all in your child’s mind. Just a few minutes of playing with or reading to your child may help to reduce the need for your child to act out.
- Give your child choices and appropriate control over their lives. Allow them to choose what shirt to wear or which fruit to eat for snack. Let her pick which book to read or which toys to play with.
Biting and pinching are common behaviors in toddlers and usually occur in an effort to try to meet some need. Understanding the underlying reason for your child’s biting may help you to effectively manage it. Here are some common reasons for biting and pinching and how you can help your child find other ways to deal with the situation:
- Communication: For children who have not started speaking or do not have the words to express emotion, it may be how they express anger, frustration, excitement, or other feelings. You can help to support your child’s communication skills by naming your child’s emotion and demonstrating healthy ways to express it. For example, “You seem very angry right now. Let’s make angry faces and growl like a lion” or “You seem so excited that your friend is here to play! Let’s give her a big hug and find a fun toy to share!” Encourage your child to use his words and respond positively when he does. Notice and reinforce the behavior when your child uses healthy ways to express his emotions.
- Overwhelmed: Your child may bite if she is overwhelmed by the activity, sounds, or lights around her. Try turning the television off, give your child a firm bear-hug, or create a safe place for her to retreat to that is away from others. If you notice that your child bites more when she is in high-activity situations (daycare, crowded areas, busy playgrounds), try to schedule your outings during times when she is well-rested and well-fed. Talk with her daycare provider about helping your child cope with and take a break from the business if possible.
- Attention seeking: Children who feel like they need more attention from the adults in their lives may bite in order to get that attention. If this is the case, in a firm (not angry) voice say,” No biting. Biting hurts.” Then immediately shift your attention to the child who was bitten, offering comfort and treatment to the bite as appropriate. This will show the child who inflicted the bite that it is not an effective way to get attention. Be sure to give your child plenty of interaction and attention when he or she is behaving well.
- Teething or need for oral stimulation: If your child is teething you can provide him a safe teether or cold washcloth to chew on. Healthy, crunchy snacks like crackers or carrot sticks may also help satisfy his need to chew something.
- Some adults may suggest biting your child back, but this strategy is not effective and is considered child abuse. Besides that, it only teaches your child that biting IS ok when he is angry!
Aggressive behavior (kicking, hitting, biting, and so on) tends to peak around age two. This is because children this age have very strong emotions but have not yet developed the language or self-control to express their emotions in an acceptable manner. Many of the strategies that are effective in managing temper tantrums will work with aggressive behavior in older toddlers as well – please see the section on tantrums for more information.
When they are calm, your older toddler is better able to learn self-control than he was when he was younger. You can help him begin to think rationally and learn from his behavior by:
When they are calm, your older toddler is better able to learn self-control than he was when he was younger. You can help him begin to think rationally and learn from his behavior by:
- Point out the consequences of his actions: “When you hit your friend, it hurt and she was sad and she cried. She didn’t want to play with you anymore after that, and that made you sad too.”
- Help him to brainstorm better choices: talk through the situation and ask him if he has any ideas about better actions. He may not have any ideas, which is normal for kids who aren’t used to thinking like this, so you can offer your own ideas.
- Let your child know that you are there if he needs help. Encourage him to come to you when he becomes angry so you can help him deal with the situation before it gets out of hand.
- Give your child a lot of positive feedback when you see her showing self-control. This helps her identify what behaviors are appropriate and will help her feel good about herself and her abilities.
More independence and mobility can lead to safety issues. Injuries and danger can be minimized by taking certain precautions. Below are some common safety concerns in children and how you can help to protect your child while encouraging independence:
- Bike Safety: Your child should always wear a helmet when riding a bike, and should not be allowed to ride in the street at this age. Set firm ground rules and be sure your child understands them. The bike may need to “go away” for a few days if your child has difficulty following those rules.
- Streets: Your child can now run and play independently. Teach your child to stop on the sidewalk or at the edge of the street and to never go into the street or cross it without an adult. Teach him to look both ways and be sure a car is not approaching before stepping off the curb, even when he is with an adult.
- Car Safety: Your child should be buckled into a car seat or booster seat EVERY TIME your child is in a car. Set a good example and be sure you and every adult are always buckled up as well! If you need assistance obtaining an appropriate car seat or booster, please contact Help Me Grow Yuba County or Yuba County Public Health.
- Children under 2 years old must be in a rear-facing car seat in the backseat, unless the child weighs over 40 pounds OR is 40 inches or taller. Be sure your child is within the height and weight limits specified by the manufacturer of your car seat.
- Children under the age of 8 must be secured in a car seat or booster seat in the back seat. Children should remain in a 5-point harness car seat until they reach the top height or weight limit allowed by the seat manufacturer. Booster seats must be used with both the shoulder and lap belts.
- Children over the age of 8 years or taller than 4’9” in height can safely ride in the back seat with only a seat belt. Children must remain in the back seat until they are 12 years or older.
- Guns: If you choose to keep firearms in your home, it should be stored unloaded and in a locked cabinet or compartment. Store the ammo in a separate, locked location. When your child is old enough to understand, teach him about gun safety before he is allowed to use them.
- Water safety: Never allow your child to swim alone – even competent swimmers can have accidents in the water so be sure there is always an adult watching nearby. Be aware of all bodies of water – even bathtubs, buckets, and watering cans can pose a drowning hazard. Be sure to empty all buckets when finished using them. Use “floaties” or life jackets for children who do not know how to swim. If you own a pool, be sure it is fenced and locked at all times when not in use with an adult present. Remember that it only takes a couple minutes for a child to drown – watch your child at all times when they are in or near water. Never leave your child alone in the bathtub – tubs are the most common site of drownings for infants and young toddlers.
- Medication safety: Make sure all medications in your house are stored up and out of the way of your young child. It is recommended that medications be stored in a locked cabinet that your child cannot reach.
